Orchestra Personnel Standards-Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Concertmaster:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Trumpet Player:
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Bassoonist:
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
Second Violinist:
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Manager:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Horn Player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God!
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Concertmaster:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Trumpet Player:
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Bassoonist:
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
Second Violinist:
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Manager:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Horn Player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God!
~Musical Horoscopes~
Flutes: If you are a flute player then you're probably smart, strong, out-going, and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies.
Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear from tuba players.
Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you're most likely to be strong, and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section. Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised.
Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded, cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just genetic for them to dislike you. Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but steer clear from clarinets.
Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a scholarship where-ever you want. The "requirements" of a bassoon player is being smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your cues.
Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the trombones.
Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing, "wild", open-minded, and talented. You really don't have any concerns to think about, so have fun! Compatibility: Whatever you choose.
Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it's not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they're all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no.
Trumpet: If the trumpet is your name then flying is your game. Your music can be hard work, but let yourself soar, because intelligence is your strong point and slaking is your weak. I suggest keeping your eye out for everyone because the trumpet position is a well desired spotlight. Compatibility: Flutes, clarinets, oboes, bassoons and bass clarinets are A-OK! But saxophones are your nightmare.
French horn: Playing the French horn can be demanding work, but your quiet personality can overcome. Whether its blowing through the mellophone, or triple tonguing your concert solo........ French horns........ our hats off to you. Like the bass clarinets, you have no enemies, so smile, and I hope that made your day.
Compatibility: Who wouldn't love ya?!
Trombones: Well trombones. I must say you are very determined people. You should hold your head with pride because the trombone is a tricky instrument to master, and if you've played on into high school then you are truly gifted. But I would advise you not to strut too much because the bassoon is not on your side. And another thing, you are most likely not compatible with fellow low brass players, so don't even try.
Compatibility: Saxophones, bass clarinets, and of course, French horns.
Baritones: If you play the baritone then you are most likely strong, smart, out-going, open-minded and misunderstood. Unfortunately the baritone is the only brass instrument that is not included in a orchestra. For that we're sorry, the baritone has earned its right there. Your enemy is most likely the trombones, they just don't know it. Keep your senses keen! Compatibility: Like the trombones, stay away from other low brass. But! Bass clarinets, French horns and saxophones are OK.
Tubas: If you play this "umpa, umpa" then you are most likely to be like the bass clarinets. Out-going, "wild" and open minded. Congratulations, you've strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission.
Compatibility: Well since the low brass isn't advised and the wood winds hate you, all that is left is, saxophones, bass clarinets, French horns, and the trumpets, or percussionist.
Percussionist: Well what kind I say about percussionist? Heck they are basically from their own planet. Their smart, talented, and well skilled in the art of playing with sticks. The only real enemy of the percussion is the Band Director, so watch your step. And if you happen to be the Band Director's child, then I'm sorry, I can't help you there, I'm only a web page provider. :) Compatibility: Who knows?
Flutes: If you are a flute player then you're probably smart, strong, out-going, and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies.
Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear from tuba players.
Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you're most likely to be strong, and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section. Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised.
Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded, cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just genetic for them to dislike you. Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but steer clear from clarinets.
Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a scholarship where-ever you want. The "requirements" of a bassoon player is being smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your cues.
Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the trombones.
Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing, "wild", open-minded, and talented. You really don't have any concerns to think about, so have fun! Compatibility: Whatever you choose.
Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it's not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they're all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no.
Trumpet: If the trumpet is your name then flying is your game. Your music can be hard work, but let yourself soar, because intelligence is your strong point and slaking is your weak. I suggest keeping your eye out for everyone because the trumpet position is a well desired spotlight. Compatibility: Flutes, clarinets, oboes, bassoons and bass clarinets are A-OK! But saxophones are your nightmare.
French horn: Playing the French horn can be demanding work, but your quiet personality can overcome. Whether its blowing through the mellophone, or triple tonguing your concert solo........ French horns........ our hats off to you. Like the bass clarinets, you have no enemies, so smile, and I hope that made your day.
Compatibility: Who wouldn't love ya?!
Trombones: Well trombones. I must say you are very determined people. You should hold your head with pride because the trombone is a tricky instrument to master, and if you've played on into high school then you are truly gifted. But I would advise you not to strut too much because the bassoon is not on your side. And another thing, you are most likely not compatible with fellow low brass players, so don't even try.
Compatibility: Saxophones, bass clarinets, and of course, French horns.
Baritones: If you play the baritone then you are most likely strong, smart, out-going, open-minded and misunderstood. Unfortunately the baritone is the only brass instrument that is not included in a orchestra. For that we're sorry, the baritone has earned its right there. Your enemy is most likely the trombones, they just don't know it. Keep your senses keen! Compatibility: Like the trombones, stay away from other low brass. But! Bass clarinets, French horns and saxophones are OK.
Tubas: If you play this "umpa, umpa" then you are most likely to be like the bass clarinets. Out-going, "wild" and open minded. Congratulations, you've strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission.
Compatibility: Well since the low brass isn't advised and the wood winds hate you, all that is left is, saxophones, bass clarinets, French horns, and the trumpets, or percussionist.
Percussionist: Well what kind I say about percussionist? Heck they are basically from their own planet. Their smart, talented, and well skilled in the art of playing with sticks. The only real enemy of the percussion is the Band Director, so watch your step. And if you happen to be the Band Director's child, then I'm sorry, I can't help you there, I'm only a web page provider. :) Compatibility: Who knows?
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys uptop singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys uptop singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".
************************************************************************************************************************************************
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3.The grip.
What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3.The grip.
What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor
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A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?" So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?" The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizingprofusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there." "Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way." A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?" "Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead." So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit." "Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?" "Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path. The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.
A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?" So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?" The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizingprofusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there." "Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way." A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?" "Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead." So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit." "Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?" "Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path. The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.
************************************************************************************************************************************************
-A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line-
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4.Look the other way just before cues.
5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************
-A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line-
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4.Look the other way just before cues.
5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************
"One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play much less bad music."
Jack Daney
"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
Aldous Huxley
"Music is, by its very nature, essentially powerless to express anything at all. Music expresses itself."
Igor Stravinsky
"Hell is full of musical amateurs."
George Bernard Shaw
"The drummer drives. Everybody else rides!"
Panama Francis
"Some days you get up and put the horn to your chops and it sounds pretty good and you win. Some days you try and nothing works and the horn wins. This goes on and on and then you die and the horn wins."
Dizzy Gillespie on playing the trumpet
"Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one."
Duke Ellington
"Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time."
Ornette Coleman
"We never play anything the same way once."
Shelly Manne's definition of jazz musicians
"Someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn't."
Al Cohn's definition of a gentleman
"Music is a very hard instrument."
Vido Musso
"The only tune they play in 4/4 is 'Take Five!'"
(unknown-talking about the Don Ellis band)
"If I could play like Wynton (Marsalis), I wouldn't play like Wynton"
Chet Baker
"I'm too old to pimp, and too young to die, so I'm just gon' keep playin'
Clark Terry
"A great teacher is one who realizes that he himself is also a student and whose goal is not dictate the answers, but to stimulate his students creativity enough so that they go out and find the answers themselves."
Herbie Hancock
"To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse"
Jack Daney
"Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already."
Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.
"I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve."
Xavier Cugat
"[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art."
Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.
"Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living."
Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer
"I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet."
Niccoló Paganini
"What is the voice of song, when the world lacks the ear of taste?"
Nathaniel Hawthorne
"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats."
Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan.
"If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation."
Oscar Wilde
"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together."
Mel Brooks
"Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years."
William F. Buckley, Jr.
"You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow."
Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket.
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
Mark Twain
"Berlioz says nothing in his music, but he says it magnificently."
James Gibbons Hunekar
"If a young man at the age of twenty-three can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder."
Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland
"There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major."
Sergei Prokofiev
"I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?"
Dimitri Mitropolous
"God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way."
Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player
"Already too loud!"
Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments.
"I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere."
Frederic Chopin
"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."
Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller
"Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them."
Richard Strauss
"In opera, there is always too much singing."
Claude Debussy
"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!"
Giacchino Rossini
"I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the twentieth century that has made giant strides in reverse."
Bing Crosby
"A ponderous orchestral absurdity."
Frank Zappa on his rock symphony debuted by the Los Angeles Philharmonic
"The bottom line of any country is, what did we contribute to the world? We contributed Louis Armstrong."
Tony Bennett
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